What am I looking for?

I'm sitting here, trying to study and i'm as unsuccessful as ever. There are thoughts floating freely in my mind, waiting to be caught. By who? I'm not quite sure. There are so many things I feel and so many things i'd like to say, but who i'd say them to is a different story. It's hard when i'm sitting so silently but my thoughts are screaming out loud. To be heard, to be acknowledged. To be seen, to be loved, to be thought of, to be pondered. Isn't that what we all want?
It's as if we're all floating, waiting patiently, in a sea of beauty and intricacy. What do we really see though? Do we really see the beauty that lies just before us or do we keep looking for something more, missing the jewels and diamonds of our lives that lie right before our eyes. What is it that we really want.
To find meaning: is somewhat true. But I feel that finding meaning is the quest of life. We go through our days encountering challenges, solving problems, discovering ourselves in the midst of everyone's eyes except our own. Who are we if we don't have anything to solve, to work towards, to look forward to? If we really have it all, then havent we found our meaning? No. The answer is absolutely not. Finding meaning is actually coming to the realization that we know nothing at all. That we have nothing and everything, where time has no consequences. When we realize we are who we are and nothing will ever change that unless superficial aspects come into play with reality. But our true meaning of our lives comes from the pure unknown. Not knowing. That's the ultimate beauty of living.
To find love: is something indescribable. Indescribable because in all of my time here writing I really haven't been able to accurately describe the essence of what true love is. Is it because I haven't experienced it? Sometimes I question that. We all think we're in love when we're in a relationship of more than six months. But the way I see it is that love is something deeper than just infatuation. Deeper than just a longing to be with one another. It's being a part of each other. It's finding their soul right in the way they look at you, it's discovering all of their secrets by the way they kiss you. Discovering one another in different ways is the most beautiful thing one can experience. But yet, do I know it? I do love, and I am capable of loving, but I only question myself because I am young. But when someone says "you don't know what love is" I disagree. Everyone has their own perception of what love really is, but when you have it, you know it. You don't doubt it, you don't name it, you just embrace it. You absorb every scent around you, every taste everything so vividly, and you learn to see things more clearly.
To find inner peace: is what we are all truly looking for. But peace doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

missyou

Dear muffin,

You knew it. I knew it.

I question myself even thinking about you. Why can't you get out of my head?
I'm surrounded my all of these others and it just makes me realize how much they don't have. How much they lack in the sense that I can be truly happy with only one person and that was you. Such a beautiful person you are, it's an incomparable feeling thinking... believing that I really lost you. I've sat and i've laughed, i've wondered, i've enjoyed, i've cried, and i've thought some more. Sometimes my thoughts get me into trouble. You claim that I doubted you. that I never gave it a real chance. I gave you everything, all I had. You were my everything.
It's hard to take my heart and give it to someone else. I'll never do it. I just can't. You had a way of appreciating the smallest things in the world. Such simplcity could just brighten up your face when you noticed something new about me or something. I don't even know why i'm writing this i've just been thinking a whole lot about you. being with other guys... it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to hit something. I hear people talking about love... and I just think "they dont know a thing about love."
we had love. you're right. I freaked out.
But honestly, sometimes people need a break from everything. Sometimes it's okay to move on for a little while, do you for a little while. Sometimes its okay to break way and do your own thing. When you let something go and it comes back to you it was yours all along. You never understood that I meant well and the only way to do that was to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you for a second. You have to understand that I did what I had to do on a quest for something out of the ordinary. I'm happy now and I hope more than anything that you're happy too. What am I saying? I know you're happy. (:

You probably don't want to talk to me... I understand. But i'll be here whenever you decide that you do. Just remember that i'll always love you.



-caterpillar

I wanna be a flower in the ocean.

Goodbye to everything that I knew?

Sometimes it's hard for me to write down everything I have to say but today i'm just gonna write it with no regrets, no thought.

I think it's so special when I see a flower fall into moving water. You see such a beautiful thing that was created so naturally, floating gently up and down the waves of a moving current. The flower holds no tension, no stress, no nothing. It let's itself be taken away by the moving water.

Now one can percieve moving water as soothing, some as scary. Being taken into something with no protection, being swayed around and torn apart while your petals float away and come back to you again. Some people jump into love as if it's an open ocean to be discovered. Love is scary, love is beautiful, love is effortless. Sometimes I wish I could just be like a flower and let myself float away with no regrets and no self manipulation. What a world we would discover if we would just let ourselves.

What do you listen to first? Your heart or your brain? Which is better? Which is smarter?

With all of the pressures of the day and of the night and of the week and of the year, i'm letting go once and for all. I know who I am and I know what I want and i'm going to do anything to get there. I sometimes hear people saying "I can't wait to be that person." Who can't you wait to be?

Happiness is not a destination it's a state of mind. One can literally be happy in any situation at any time if one will just accept the situation for what it is. It's kind of like meditation. People think that to meditate, you need a clear mind. Well here's the truth: no one has a clear mind. Part of meditation, the most special part, is embracing your thoughts. Embracing that you can think and ponder, wonder and decide. Once you embrace your thoughts and accept that your mind will go wild sometimes will bring you to a whole new state of mind. That's when you truly have clarity. Once you embrace that nothing is perfect and will never be perfect, but the way you perceive certain situations can change your way of looking at things, that is when you will truly have clarity.

"I just want to be happy."

How many times have you heard that?

How many hours in the day are you up doing things, getting to where you wanna be?

I realized I have 24 hours in a day. How much time do I waste on the computer, sleeping, procrastinating?

I realize I always have to much on for me and never enough time to truly relax. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to who will truly listen to everything I have to say and give me their honest advice. I get so busy and I have this breakdown where i'm just like "alright, phone off, ghost mode."

mhm I said it.. i'm always ghosting.

I get these formsprings (who goes on formpsring anymore?) saying
"WHAT'S GHOSTING?"

it means dissapearing. it means dissconnecting from everything and everyone for a little bit so I can just think. You should try it sometime.

I look back at my life a year ago and I can't even believe the changes i've gone through. I can't believe I let you go. I can't believe I gave you everything and I let you go. It happens though, I hope you understand one day that all I really wanted was to find some clarity in life and now that I did, I realized I could be without you. I could be just mine and no one else's.

I think I care too much, that's what gives me problems.

Peacing out for now, Sweet dreams <3

Changes

Everythings changing and I don't really know what to think of it.
All those times you look back on things and say how much you miss them... would you go back to them? After everything that's already changed around you?
Sometimes I look back and think about how happy I was at one point, but how different I was as a person. As you grow, your perception on situations changes. Maybe you stressed over things that weren't really important then, but now you are focused on what's really significant and what will really be important in the long run. I kind of feel like i'm the only one really focused on the future sometimes. I feel different then other people,
I don't mind being alone. I don't mind relaxing in my own thoughts. Just because i'm quiet doesn't mean i'm upset.
I want so much. I want to be, I want to do, I want to see I want to freaking create stuff.
I feel so stuck in this same spot yet I know my actions are what is going to determine my future.
I really do have so much to say but no body to really listen. Well maybe a few people, but they don't really care all that much.
You see, everyones focused on their own lives too much to really be 100 percent involved in another's. But what people fail to understand is that it's OKAY. It's okay to not know every little detail about someone, about what they just did or who they spoke to. people who want to know everything just end up judging you. That's what I think.
There are some things that only you can understand. For example, you might have done something that everyone else would see as wrong, but it may have been so right to you.

Over the mountain I see the bright sunshine, and I want to live inside the globe.
I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything, I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences.

It's not that I don't care, but right now these walls are closing in on me. I need to find a place where I can breath.

where money means nothing, and love means everything.


Have you ever wanted to just have a conversation with a random person at starbucks? Just a complete stranger, and see what there lives are like, what their concerns are and how they live. It's so interesting to analyze the way people think and how different they are. We only know ourselves, we only know our minds. Imagine: you're driving and you see a bunch of cars passing you by. Who are they? Where are they going? Everybody has a story and I want to know it.

So when I look back on those things I miss I realize that a long with myself, aspects of those memories have changed as well. That person you were with has changed too. It would never be the same. The best way to look at it is to embrace it for what it was and to move on.
Sometimes I long for a moment to come back to me but then....why? I'm happy where I am. If I hadn't messed up a couple of times along the way, then I would never be where I am now.
Memories that are worth keeping will never fade.
People change, I am changing.

See the invisible

To live content with small means to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich. To listen to stars and birds, voices and sages with an open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never in a word. To let the spiritual unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common.

Somtimes there is nothing that can take the place of internal emptiness. You can try and find the reason why you just don't have enough enegy to argue, but all the time in the world to cry. Why candle light seems so much more soothing than the light of day. Why it feels so good to just bask in you own anger and sadness, why the sun doesn't feel right on the darkness of your thoughts. Sometimes there are things we can't explain, things we do that there are no reasons as to why we mindlessly do them. Those things feel so right at the moment but so wrong in another. Our minds work in a way that we can't comprehend, which is why I need to explain my self. Writing is my only outlet. Just a blank canvas on which no one can judge you for. Painting pictures with words is what my life is about. So let me paint this picture for you darling because you deserve every word.

I once stopped to think about the tingling in my stomach whenever I thought about you. The way my heart wants to burst every time we kiss. The way I think about the day that we'll only need each other, no one else. I rememeber someone one told me that lies will lock you up, the truth the only key. Well I was locked up, and I gave you the key. Transparency is the most beautiful thing about us now, and I want you to accept that things happen sometimes. I want you to know that no matter what happens you will always be, to me, a light that no one else can discover. A map to things I can't discover by myself. Words are just words but I have fallen in love with the art of literature. The way a group of words can make a world of difference in someones eyes, it can create emotion. But even more incredible is the art to express thoughts through these fine words and here it goes. I'm writing down everything I feel.

Look a little deeper so you can see the invisible. Take a little time to remember the moments that we could just cry because we were so happy yet so afraid that it would end to soon. Take a moment to remember all of the words that were said and the feelings that were stimulated. I've never felt that way before. I will not let you down again. I will never let you down. I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute. And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease, or something that could ease the pain. But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself. Even though it's hard to see that the glass is not half empty but half full, I want you to close your eyes and invision my presence.

Emptiness that we share is no longer absent, it is very present. I know what's wrong, and I know now why your pain hurts me so much. I know why this feeling is so dormant over me, and it's because i'm in love with you.

Truth.

There's a certain light that we look for when all else fails. A certain light that's there no matter what, whether we create it in our minds or not. Whether it's really there or just a false apparition of our fallen minds. Hope.

Hope triggers the souls deepest intentions.

We look to the ocean when a hurricane comes upon us, we look to the sky when lighting hits above us. The truth is that we want to know what's out there for what it really is.

But when it comes to emotions, we don't want to know anything. All we want to know is the words that will make us feel better. But that's not always the truth.

One who seeks the truth makes promises they can keep.

Truth: We all live in denial; admit it. Open your eyes, what do you see? Is it everything you really wanted? Is it more? Too much? Too little? Is everything perfect...but still doesn't seem right? Whatever we wanted initially is all an illusion; what's really there is what you make it.

One can try and defy love with all their efforts, one can defy hate with all their efforts, but in the end there is one truth and one truth only: true love will conquer.

If it doesn't seem right at the time than hey if you love them so damn much you can wait.

The truth is that every five minutes tears fill my eyes because I made a decision that will effect my life to a maximum and I can't really figure out if it was the right one. Reguardless, going back on things will not change anything, being that the damage is done and I must repress.

The truth is that I am constantly worried about my future that sometimes the present is taken forgrantted.

So stay afloat in that ocean, keep that glorious cloud of hope you have.

There was a reason that I met you.

There was a reason that we felt all that we felt for eachother.

not just to obtain a loss but to bring love, real love to our attention.

No one seemed to understand our relationship...that's what made it so special.

So now I sit here so silently yet my thoughts are screaming out loud.

Keep floating in your ocean, keep the hope in your cloud.

When goals take over

Sometimes I wonder if this is what I wanted.

Is this what comes with being goal oriented? Sleepless nights wondering if i'll ever get anywhere? Get to the place that I need to be?

I have so many places...so many ideas that I want to pursue. Who am I anyways?

What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to be succesful... but how do I get there?

I want to write forever, I want to love and live and smile and laugh

I know what I want, it just takes time.

I see people get discouraged over tiny failures...wait for what's to come.

One's true character is determined by what he or she does in those instances when everything seems to fail. Sometimes I just want to curl up in my bed and not wake up until everything is okay again. Sometimes I just want to fast forward in time to a place where I want to be.

But we have to know that not everything is going to be rainbows and sunshine all the time. We have to know that without the darkness we would never see light. Without the storm there is no calm.

So I guess i'm in the middle of the storm.

But no way am I giving up. I have everything I need to accomplish everything i've ever wanted.

It's just so tempting to give up everything and go party all night...but why?

Why do people waste their lives doing such unethical things when they know that in the long run nothing will be okay? It's okay to live in the moment sure... I know what that's like. But also one has to think about the future... the goals. Am I the only one who thinks about these things now?

Everyone tells me there is time.... but the truth is:

There is no time. There is time to see the light, the smiles, to laugh

but there is no time to sit back and do absolutely nothing because one day we are all going to have no reason to wake up in the morning.

How about that?

That's what i'm scared of. That one day i'll just give up.

But I know I won't. I'm going to keep on going. I'm going to be where I want to be very soon.

Love drops rain drops.

I fall slowly, waiting patiently

floating lightly, breathing softly

Whispers waiting to free themselves of silence

Your words are soft enough to calm the universe's violence.

Your eyes in time, can make our world's combine

can see our souls intertwine,

your hands in mine, your heart will shine.

droplets of water caressing our skin,

sending shivers up my spine, how can I begin?

We kiss and move as if we're telling a story

take me through the wind and don't make we worry

your love is mine, we are bound forever

as I fall very slowly we'll still be together.