This is one of those moments where your heart literally drags you to the computer to write a blog so you can spill your guts to non-readers, readers, it's all the same. It's that feeling when your stomach is twisted into nots, you get sick to your stomach just thinking about hanging out with anyone or even picking up the phone. What is wrong with me? I'm trying to figure it out, i'm usually so happy and positive about things. I'm usually so concerned with surrounding myself with friendships and people who I love and people who love me. Relationships are what make a person keep going. Relationships with friends, lovers, family members, co-workers, the mailman, the cashier at walgreens, the person who handed me my diploma when I graduated. All of these relationships, whether they are important or not, are still what keeps the smile on your face at the end of the day even when everything is going wrong.
That's funny because i've always been told to tie my happiness to a goal, never to a person.
Right now I just want to write.
Honestly ive been chasing pavement, i've been dodging bullets, i've been running around doing everything for everyone and myself, keeping myself happy and others happy as well. One thing i've really learned is that you really can't please everyone. It's so sad to say it for real, it's so sad to really acknowledge it, but all people really care about is self interest. What they can get out of this friendship, relationship, exchange, conversation, whatever. It's all such a game, going back and forth with favors making people feel like they owe you something. No one owes anyone anything.
It's weird how our only true battles are the battles formed within ourselves. Nothing is negative unless we say it is, no one can hurt us unless we say they can. It's all psychological really. I'm here in my room extremely heated about the fact that nothing is working out, that i'm wasting all my time wallowing in my "sorrow" and not doing anything about it. But "wallowing" in my "sorrow" just feels too good right now. What am I even looking for? Sympathy? Help? No. I can do things on my own it's not like i've needed any one until this point. What I should look past is the words running through my mind and that stiffling heat radiating from my face and neck and shoulders. Right now I should acknowledge the fact that I am able to see that things aren't going right and embrace the fact that only I have the power to fix them.
So why is it that i'm still here? sitting in front of the computer wasting time?
because it feels damn good to wallow, that's our problem.
