It's been a while

since i've written. Could be because everything has been good, i've been happy and confident that everything is and will go right. Throughout the mess and unsettling disorganization, stress and what not, I am nevertheless calm in my heart and mind and therefore happy in my heart. I don't have to be sad or upset to write, but usually when I am, things come out alot more dramatic. Brilliant really, how emotions can stimulate the most incredible writing peices. Even though I've been happy, it's not to say that I haven't experienced wide fields of emotion and uncertainty. It's just that now, I know how to handle it much better. I guess I've kind of been a little more introspective than I was before. I've realized that not everyone needs to know exactly how your feeling at all times. They don't want to know, actually. Because most people who are around you will not care to find out why a smile isn't on your face or why you're deep in thought or why you haven't been there as much lately. The thing is, most of the time when people are listening to you they are waiting for their turn to speak. I've realized all of these things and people will ask me if that bothers me, but it really doesn't. I know how people are. It's no surprise to me that self-interest is the one thing on everyone's mind. It's that i've come to embrace these people for all of the wonderful qualities about them and try not to get close enough to experience the bad. I don't want to fight with my friends, so I just keep them at a certain level where they can never hurt me. At the end of the day it is me against the world. And to be lucky enough to have the family I have, shit, I don't even need stupid friends. I have my best friends in the whole wide world, but even they don't know everything about me simply because no one HAS to know every single little detail about me. Some things are better kept inside of your head for YOU to ponder on, for no one else to judge or give opinions or formulate assumptions. Some moments are just way to sacred to speak of, because by expressing them in words makes the moment lose its importance and it's value. The best moments are those which we cannot describe, those which are too great to even ruin with something other than pure emotion. Although I've experimented with the ways of words through writing by writing every day, I will tell you that it takes some serious skill to portray a moment the way it should be portrayed. That's why, let's say you have an incredible night with someone. Your friends want to hear ALL of the details but only 25% of them REALLY wants to hear exactly what went down and how you felt and what not. What they really want to hear is main points and on to the next subject. Which is normal and completely understandable but there's no way to really describe moments with main points.

I feel like i've learned a calm and independence that let's me be okay with being on my own. I've learned to be alone but never lonely, enjoy the quiet moments. The sunday mornings of life. Life is beautiful in every single way, even the hard moments. They are good becuase they will teach you what the good moments are supposed to feel like.
“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.” -C.S Lewis

Men are creatures of the amazon

It's funny how people work, as I've noticed in the past few weeks. You give them a little, they give you a little, you give them alot, they give you nothing. If only human's werent trained to want what they can't have. The world would be a boring place, I would like to say, but a much easier one at that. The thing about games is that you want to play, but only when you're winning. When you're losing it's just a dead end, forcing you to give up and move on. Quite honestly, I think men will never grow up, no matter the age. Sorry boys, but it's somewhat true. Find me a man that will take initiative and will honor my codes of infinite conduct and ethics, text me goodmorning and goodnight, so I know he's thinking about me even when we arent speaking. Find me a man who can make me think, but at the right times. Not at the wrong times. I'll take em'.
The problem is, when you really have so much to give and you think you've found the right person to give it to, and they end up being the wrong one. You end up looking like a damn fool thinking you were all happy and dandy, when really you were just blind.
There is also something beautiful about minor heartbreak, you're not broken but you're not whole. Meaning there is room to patch yourself up and keep learning, keep moving. Only the strong are capable of this. Only the mature are capable of embracing this. Moving on, changing, learning, are all beautiful things. Those people who are afraid of change are just afraid of growing up. Part of growing up is being able to deal with changes that arise and are presented to you in various situations through life. When I look back on all of the defining moments that have really pushed me to be who I am now, I think back to how I felt in the midst of those moments. I would have given anything to reverse, to go back and change what I did or how I acted. But if I had not experienced these types of things, where would I be? All of these things happen for a reason which is why I truly believe that things do happen for a reason. Things are meant to happen so that in the end everything is right. So that in the end everything is in your favor. And if it's not, well then hell, you're just being negative. Happiness is not a destination, as we all may think, but a state of mind. You can be happy anywhere, in any situation, no matter what. Just as long as you look at things in a positive light, and if there is truly nothing positive about it then embrace it as something that will define you in the future. Embrace it as something that will shape your maturity so that for next time you won't be as weak. I consider myself a rather strong person, but sometimes I look in the mirror and view myself as the weakest human being on the planet for feeling these feelings. Why though? Everyones allowed to feel. Everyone is allowed to go a little crazy (maybe more than a little...) over someone or something so temporary. It's called infatuation: a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration. Foolish it is, controllable it is not.

one and only

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You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face

God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive your past, and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be, your
Your one and only
Promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name

Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared
Cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word
I've imagined it all

You'll never know
If you never try
To forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Naked like truth

There's something beautiful about the truth, whether it is seen through expression or words or actions, it is an idea or a group of ideas that is completely and entirely uncovered. We have a hard time seeing things for what they are, because in reality our minds convert the truth into something unrealistic, something sugar coated. Looking at life from a rose colored glass allows us to see only the things that are not too painful to accept, those things that are easily resolved. So in the end, is the truth what we really want?
I just came back from Paris, the most beautiful city i've ever seen in my entire life. Not only did the beauty of the antique fragility all around me amaze me, but the aura of quiescence that was so effortlessly created made me really think about the concepts at hand here. These people, these artists displayed in these incredible museums had a totally different perception of beauty then what is accepted by society today. All of those women in the paintings that were idolized and really seen as beautiful and perfect creatures, were actually not perfect at all. The delicate purity that radiated from the pale skin tonees of the women, bare in flesh. The roundness of their curvature, the simple look they have in their eyes. These women were not extremely thin, nor tan, nor did they have perfect facial features. They were true, natural, naked and rosy, and yet as sure of themselves as anyone can be. I couldn't believe the sensuality captured in such an ephemeral moment, just a glipse of the artist's eye that inspired him to paint this very one single moment.
Right then, looking at Claude Monet's impressionist paining "Chloe", I realized that beauty, real beauty comes from truth. A bareness that should be so deeply appreciated whether it be physical or not.
Time's have changed, our perseption of what is beautiful is completely different. People feel the need to change everything about themselves to be beautiful. Who ever said that thin was pretty? Who ever said that perfection came from exactness? I find that the most beautiful things come from spontaneity from the things that are imprecise, and analysis kills spontaneity. The grain once ground into flour springs and germinates no more.
There are beautiful minds who overpower those who obtain physical beauty.

Another thing I loved about Paris was the feeling of actually being in the city of love. You really feel it all around you, whether you want to or not. You start thinking of that person that makes you smile when you're alone, that person that you don't want to think about but at the same time you could just sit there all day and daydream about them simply because the thoughts are deliciously inviting and so lovely to think about. They are captivating, they are dangerous. You look around and everyone is just in love, or looking for love. But when you think about it, we're all looking for love aren't we? In the end, it is what we truly want and live for, although we may not always admit it to ourselves. The point of being successful and having everything you want is to have someone to share it with. If not, what are you really working for? Money will not satisfy, love will. Money will create temporary feelings of satisfaction and self-fulfillment, but in the end if we have no one to share with we really have nothing at all. It's amazing isn't it? The way things in life are exactly the opposite of what they should be. We live to love to learn to conquer, and do it all over again. That's the truth.

It feels good

This is one of those moments where your heart literally drags you to the computer to write a blog so you can spill your guts to non-readers, readers, it's all the same. It's that feeling when your stomach is twisted into nots, you get sick to your stomach just thinking about hanging out with anyone or even picking up the phone. What is wrong with me? I'm trying to figure it out, i'm usually so happy and positive about things. I'm usually so concerned with surrounding myself with friendships and people who I love and people who love me. Relationships are what make a person keep going. Relationships with friends, lovers, family members, co-workers, the mailman, the cashier at walgreens, the person who handed me my diploma when I graduated. All of these relationships, whether they are important or not, are still what keeps the smile on your face at the end of the day even when everything is going wrong.
That's funny because i've always been told to tie my happiness to a goal, never to a person.


Right now I just want to write.
Honestly ive been chasing pavement, i've been dodging bullets, i've been running around doing everything for everyone and myself, keeping myself happy and others happy as well. One thing i've really learned is that you really can't please everyone. It's so sad to say it for real, it's so sad to really acknowledge it, but all people really care about is self interest. What they can get out of this friendship, relationship, exchange, conversation, whatever. It's all such a game, going back and forth with favors making people feel like they owe you something. No one owes anyone anything.

It's weird how our only true battles are the battles formed within ourselves. Nothing is negative unless we say it is, no one can hurt us unless we say they can. It's all psychological really. I'm here in my room extremely heated about the fact that nothing is working out, that i'm wasting all my time wallowing in my "sorrow" and not doing anything about it. But "wallowing" in my "sorrow" just feels too good right now. What am I even looking for? Sympathy? Help? No. I can do things on my own it's not like i've needed any one until this point. What I should look past is the words running through my mind and that stiffling heat radiating from my face and neck and shoulders. Right now I should acknowledge the fact that I am able to see that things aren't going right and embrace the fact that only I have the power to fix them.
So why is it that i'm still here? sitting in front of the computer wasting time?
because it feels damn good to wallow, that's our problem.

Expectations

I never understood how people can write better when they're so consumed with emotions. I find it hard to put everything down, as if my mind won't let me get out the words as fast as I can produce them in my head. We think a million thoughts in a minute. If I could even write 10% of what I think about on my blog, my computer would go into overload and i'd probably have to stick to my notebook. I've been thinking a lot about the way my life is going. The benefits and consequences of the choices I make are what is slowly shaping me as a person, as an individual in this world. I've been making alot of changes lately, and they aren't even small. I recently ended my relationship of 2 years, which were no doubt the best two years of my life so far, but I felt like it was really time to take a step forward in my life. And there are just some people you cannot take along the way unfortunately. As much as it hurts me to realize that I may miss the things I let go, or I might regret decisions I make, I keep in mind that everything really does happen for a reason. Some people don't believe in that, but honestly it's been proven right to me so many times that i'm so sure it's true. Sometimes bad things need to happen to lead you to much greater things. Sometimes one needs to experience tradegies and adversities to really get to where they want to be. Others dwell in the past, in their mistakes, and in that shadow they stay until they are forced to come out and face the world. I've chosen not to look back at my mistakes/adversities, if only in a positive light. To remind me that if I had not gone through that, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's hard for most people to say that because a lot of people don't even like where they are today. The fact is, without having a sense of sef- worth, self- confidence, and most of all self- awareness, what do we have? What can we even give to others if we have not been able to give ourselves a break for our imperfections? The more I learn about the world, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing at all. The more I get to know my friends, the more I realize thaty they don't really like themselves at all. Everythings a cover up, everythings a show. For who? For themselves, because they haven't been able to admit to themselves that they have not lived up to their "perfect" expectations. This is where my title comes in. I was talking to my mom today and I told her that i'm worried, because people expect a lot from me and sometimes I can't keep up. She asked me "And what do they expect from you?" I started naming things... Always looking put together, always keeping my cool in situations, keeping everyone happy, being trustworthy, having a lot of self- respect, getting good grades, looking beautiful, being intelligent. And then she asked me something that really made me think. She said: "Are you sure that these things are what your friends expect from you, or are these things what you expect from yourself?" And then I realized, shit, I've really put expectations on myself that are unrealistic. Everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone gets nervous, everyone has their "whatever" days, everyone looses their temper once in a while. These are the things we have to accept about the simple human being, that we are not meant to be the "perfect" person we set ourselves out to be. The truth is, I want to be myself. I don't want to set any expectations for myself anymore. I want to live day by day, keep my goals in check, do what makes me happy, love the people around me, and love myself no matter what imperfections or flaws I may have. No more expectations.

thoughts

I wish there was a way to explain the things we do, the way we think, the things we say, the things we wanna say, the things we wanna do. Where do all of these odd desires and thoughts come from? There are so many theories explaining how we think and why we think it, but there is no way to explain the rhythm in my head.
Isn't it weird how the way we think affects our emotions and therefore, our actions? One day we can think to ourselves, "Wow, why am I in this situation, I'm miserable." But when you think about how everything happens for a reason, how this feeling only comes along to make you stronger, and without those feelings you would not be where you are today.
I think about how if I change one tiny little detail of my life, how different things would be. That really is all it takes for everything to change. A word, a movement, a thought, anything.

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that is all for now

Give me change

Oh God, please give me a change. I've been waiting, in this non moving sea for a little current to push me on my way, but I am stuck. Although I see currents next to me, passing by me in the most nonchalant way possible... but what about me? I want to move on, I want to experience, to explore, to see things, hear things, BE things. I feel like i'm this glowing orb of potential that is just dormantly waiting for a freaking plate tectonic to shift in my mind and cause an earthquake and a tsunami in my brain and then maybe i'll be sane again.