I never understood how people can write better when they're so consumed with emotions. I find it hard to put everything down, as if my mind won't let me get out the words as fast as I can produce them in my head. We think a million thoughts in a minute. If I could even write 10% of what I think about on my blog, my computer would go into overload and i'd probably have to stick to my notebook. I've been thinking a lot about the way my life is going. The benefits and consequences of the choices I make are what is slowly shaping me as a person, as an individual in this world. I've been making alot of changes lately, and they aren't even small. I recently ended my relationship of 2 years, which were no doubt the best two years of my life so far, but I felt like it was really time to take a step forward in my life. And there are just some people you cannot take along the way unfortunately. As much as it hurts me to realize that I may miss the things I let go, or I might regret decisions I make, I keep in mind that everything really does happen for a reason. Some people don't believe in that, but honestly it's been proven right to me so many times that i'm so sure it's true. Sometimes bad things need to happen to lead you to much greater things. Sometimes one needs to experience tradegies and adversities to really get to where they want to be. Others dwell in the past, in their mistakes, and in that shadow they stay until they are forced to come out and face the world. I've chosen not to look back at my mistakes/adversities, if only in a positive light. To remind me that if I had not gone through that, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's hard for most people to say that because a lot of people don't even like where they are today. The fact is, without having a sense of sef- worth, self- confidence, and most of all self- awareness, what do we have? What can we even give to others if we have not been able to give ourselves a break for our imperfections? The more I learn about the world, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing at all. The more I get to know my friends, the more I realize thaty they don't really like themselves at all. Everythings a cover up, everythings a show. For who? For themselves, because they haven't been able to admit to themselves that they have not lived up to their "perfect" expectations. This is where my title comes in. I was talking to my mom today and I told her that i'm worried, because people expect a lot from me and sometimes I can't keep up. She asked me "And what do they expect from you?" I started naming things... Always looking put together, always keeping my cool in situations, keeping everyone happy, being trustworthy, having a lot of self- respect, getting good grades, looking beautiful, being intelligent. And then she asked me something that really made me think. She said: "Are you sure that these things are what your friends expect from you, or are these things what you expect from yourself?" And then I realized, shit, I've really put expectations on myself that are unrealistic. Everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone gets nervous, everyone has their "whatever" days, everyone looses their temper once in a while. These are the things we have to accept about the simple human being, that we are not meant to be the "perfect" person we set ourselves out to be. The truth is, I want to be myself. I don't want to set any expectations for myself anymore. I want to live day by day, keep my goals in check, do what makes me happy, love the people around me, and love myself no matter what imperfections or flaws I may have. No more expectations.
