I carry your heart

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~e. e. cummings

Blessings and Coffee

"I figured it's like in the Bible, the Adam and Eve deal?" the Captain said. "Adam's first night on earth? When he lays down to sleep? He thinks it's all over, right? He doesn't know what sleep is. His eyes are closing and he thinks he's leaving this world, right?"
"Only he isn't. He wakes up the next morning and he has a fresh new world to work with, but he has something else, too. He has his yesterday."

Everyday, we wake up to a whole new day with a whole new light, a new outlook, and a whole new purpose. Although this concept is probably one of the most incredible concepts we have yet to fathom, it continues to go un-cherished. Taken forgranted.
But what we don't realize is that everyday we are given the blessing of a new day, we are also given the blessing of so many other things. Opportunities, experiences, choices. Today I was sitting outside in my backyard having coffee with myself and my thoughts and I realized how lucky I am to have woken up on this beautiful day. Right then and there I thought, how can I show that i'm grateful for all of this? How can I show that I appreciate everything that's been put in front of me to work with? Then I got it. I realized that all of these things put in front of us like beautiful days and staggering sunsets are all for us to create more with. Beautiful things inspire ideas, and ideas inspire creation. The cycle begins with that small inspiration, that's why as time goes on we keep creating more and more technology.

As we learn to live with ourselves and technology we learn that the only real thing out there is interaction with other human beings. Finding love and giving it is the truest thing one can experience. Learning how to give is learning how to sacrifice things for the people we love.
Sacrifice is often misunderstood. It's a part of life, its supposed to be. It's not something to regret, it's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices, big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father.
"That's the thing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

There's something about miserable people that just gets to me. They don't see that things WILL get better. Although it's hard to see the reason for circumstances at that moment, with time the reason for things clears up and arises. If there was one thing I would ever have to reget, it would be regretting. It wastes time and energy. There's no point of stressing over something that you can't control. Just don't worry, be happy. Life is dark sometimes for a reason-reason being so that we can destinguish the light parts of life. So we can illuminate the brightest moments of life with contrast to the dark ones.
The most sacred place dwells within our heart, where dreams are born and secrets sleep, a mystical refuge of darkness and light, fear and conquest, adventure and discovery, challenge and transformation. Our heart speaks for our soul every moment while we are alive.

Welcome, 2012.

When that feeling you get after watching a love movie becomes very much like the normal feeling responsible for your every day smile you know you have a lovely situation on your hands. Vulnerability can be one of the scariest, darkest holes to fall into but can also be one of the brightest most incredibly uplifting feelings just to let yourself fall into the unknown. Just let yourself fall into something that you can't predict the outcome of, it's like looking into the ambiguous nothingness while someone calls your name. You don't know, you just don't know. Are you afraid of the dark?
Vulnerability scares us because through that deliciously enticing darkness, we may be hurt. Curiosity takes over the soul in a way that no one can really describe with words. Only emotions, only the feeling of a touch, through a sound of a voice or the passion of eye contact. These things can't possibly be described in words because (as I said in one of my earlier blogs) it completely diminishes the true moment. That feeling you get after watching one of those gushy romantic comedies leaves you burning with the feeling of making you want to laugh. You just want to smile at the whole world. Especially if you have someone to share it with.
Life is a happy song when there's someone there to sing along. I laugh to myself as I write these words, but hey, I think I found someone. I think he might be special. I have this stupid but completely undeniable gut feeling.

Sometimes I get scared. "what comes up must come down," they say. How is it that I can be this damn happy, this satisfied without being absolutely terrified that the come down will be twice as hard. I'm so happy it should be a crime. It scares me more everyday as I try to soak in the absolutely blessed life I live. Why me? What did I do to be so deserving of all of these magical things happening to me all the time? I'm so lucky to have the family I have, to experience the things that I do. Readers, bloggers, don't get me wrong. Shit happens all the time. But those things that have made me the person that I am today writing this blog about my stupid emotions and impossible-to-ignore thoughts about life and love and experiences and people and events. My life is about to change, I can feel it. I've never felt it stronger than now but I feel something coming that I just can't even explain.

I know you read my blogs. You know I read yours too, sometimes. You haven't posted in a while, maybe it's because you're happy. I hope you are, I really do. I hope you found someone who So you probably read that I found someone, you probably exited my blog right away. Maybe not, you've always been curious. It's amazing how I know you even when I don't want to. Even when I try not to think about you, you come up in the most random places of my mind. The reason why I am able to talk about you is because i've accepted that what we had was great, and that it was the right time to let go. I look at you as a good memory, not someone who I dislike. This has allowed me to open up my heart.

So now my heart is open and full of this mushy gushy delicious feeling. Ugh its so gooey like a mushy cookie right out of the oven. Again, I'm laughing to myself. Who would of thought.

It's been a while

since i've written. Could be because everything has been good, i've been happy and confident that everything is and will go right. Throughout the mess and unsettling disorganization, stress and what not, I am nevertheless calm in my heart and mind and therefore happy in my heart. I don't have to be sad or upset to write, but usually when I am, things come out alot more dramatic. Brilliant really, how emotions can stimulate the most incredible writing peices. Even though I've been happy, it's not to say that I haven't experienced wide fields of emotion and uncertainty. It's just that now, I know how to handle it much better. I guess I've kind of been a little more introspective than I was before. I've realized that not everyone needs to know exactly how your feeling at all times. They don't want to know, actually. Because most people who are around you will not care to find out why a smile isn't on your face or why you're deep in thought or why you haven't been there as much lately. The thing is, most of the time when people are listening to you they are waiting for their turn to speak. I've realized all of these things and people will ask me if that bothers me, but it really doesn't. I know how people are. It's no surprise to me that self-interest is the one thing on everyone's mind. It's that i've come to embrace these people for all of the wonderful qualities about them and try not to get close enough to experience the bad. I don't want to fight with my friends, so I just keep them at a certain level where they can never hurt me. At the end of the day it is me against the world. And to be lucky enough to have the family I have, shit, I don't even need stupid friends. I have my best friends in the whole wide world, but even they don't know everything about me simply because no one HAS to know every single little detail about me. Some things are better kept inside of your head for YOU to ponder on, for no one else to judge or give opinions or formulate assumptions. Some moments are just way to sacred to speak of, because by expressing them in words makes the moment lose its importance and it's value. The best moments are those which we cannot describe, those which are too great to even ruin with something other than pure emotion. Although I've experimented with the ways of words through writing by writing every day, I will tell you that it takes some serious skill to portray a moment the way it should be portrayed. That's why, let's say you have an incredible night with someone. Your friends want to hear ALL of the details but only 25% of them REALLY wants to hear exactly what went down and how you felt and what not. What they really want to hear is main points and on to the next subject. Which is normal and completely understandable but there's no way to really describe moments with main points.

I feel like i've learned a calm and independence that let's me be okay with being on my own. I've learned to be alone but never lonely, enjoy the quiet moments. The sunday mornings of life. Life is beautiful in every single way, even the hard moments. They are good becuase they will teach you what the good moments are supposed to feel like.
“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.” -C.S Lewis

Men are creatures of the amazon

It's funny how people work, as I've noticed in the past few weeks. You give them a little, they give you a little, you give them alot, they give you nothing. If only human's werent trained to want what they can't have. The world would be a boring place, I would like to say, but a much easier one at that. The thing about games is that you want to play, but only when you're winning. When you're losing it's just a dead end, forcing you to give up and move on. Quite honestly, I think men will never grow up, no matter the age. Sorry boys, but it's somewhat true. Find me a man that will take initiative and will honor my codes of infinite conduct and ethics, text me goodmorning and goodnight, so I know he's thinking about me even when we arent speaking. Find me a man who can make me think, but at the right times. Not at the wrong times. I'll take em'.
The problem is, when you really have so much to give and you think you've found the right person to give it to, and they end up being the wrong one. You end up looking like a damn fool thinking you were all happy and dandy, when really you were just blind.
There is also something beautiful about minor heartbreak, you're not broken but you're not whole. Meaning there is room to patch yourself up and keep learning, keep moving. Only the strong are capable of this. Only the mature are capable of embracing this. Moving on, changing, learning, are all beautiful things. Those people who are afraid of change are just afraid of growing up. Part of growing up is being able to deal with changes that arise and are presented to you in various situations through life. When I look back on all of the defining moments that have really pushed me to be who I am now, I think back to how I felt in the midst of those moments. I would have given anything to reverse, to go back and change what I did or how I acted. But if I had not experienced these types of things, where would I be? All of these things happen for a reason which is why I truly believe that things do happen for a reason. Things are meant to happen so that in the end everything is right. So that in the end everything is in your favor. And if it's not, well then hell, you're just being negative. Happiness is not a destination, as we all may think, but a state of mind. You can be happy anywhere, in any situation, no matter what. Just as long as you look at things in a positive light, and if there is truly nothing positive about it then embrace it as something that will define you in the future. Embrace it as something that will shape your maturity so that for next time you won't be as weak. I consider myself a rather strong person, but sometimes I look in the mirror and view myself as the weakest human being on the planet for feeling these feelings. Why though? Everyones allowed to feel. Everyone is allowed to go a little crazy (maybe more than a little...) over someone or something so temporary. It's called infatuation: a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration. Foolish it is, controllable it is not.

one and only

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face

God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive your past, and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be, your
Your one and only
Promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name

Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared
Cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word
I've imagined it all

You'll never know
If you never try
To forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Naked like truth

There's something beautiful about the truth, whether it is seen through expression or words or actions, it is an idea or a group of ideas that is completely and entirely uncovered. We have a hard time seeing things for what they are, because in reality our minds convert the truth into something unrealistic, something sugar coated. Looking at life from a rose colored glass allows us to see only the things that are not too painful to accept, those things that are easily resolved. So in the end, is the truth what we really want?
I just came back from Paris, the most beautiful city i've ever seen in my entire life. Not only did the beauty of the antique fragility all around me amaze me, but the aura of quiescence that was so effortlessly created made me really think about the concepts at hand here. These people, these artists displayed in these incredible museums had a totally different perception of beauty then what is accepted by society today. All of those women in the paintings that were idolized and really seen as beautiful and perfect creatures, were actually not perfect at all. The delicate purity that radiated from the pale skin tonees of the women, bare in flesh. The roundness of their curvature, the simple look they have in their eyes. These women were not extremely thin, nor tan, nor did they have perfect facial features. They were true, natural, naked and rosy, and yet as sure of themselves as anyone can be. I couldn't believe the sensuality captured in such an ephemeral moment, just a glipse of the artist's eye that inspired him to paint this very one single moment.
Right then, looking at Claude Monet's impressionist paining "Chloe", I realized that beauty, real beauty comes from truth. A bareness that should be so deeply appreciated whether it be physical or not.
Time's have changed, our perseption of what is beautiful is completely different. People feel the need to change everything about themselves to be beautiful. Who ever said that thin was pretty? Who ever said that perfection came from exactness? I find that the most beautiful things come from spontaneity from the things that are imprecise, and analysis kills spontaneity. The grain once ground into flour springs and germinates no more.
There are beautiful minds who overpower those who obtain physical beauty.

Another thing I loved about Paris was the feeling of actually being in the city of love. You really feel it all around you, whether you want to or not. You start thinking of that person that makes you smile when you're alone, that person that you don't want to think about but at the same time you could just sit there all day and daydream about them simply because the thoughts are deliciously inviting and so lovely to think about. They are captivating, they are dangerous. You look around and everyone is just in love, or looking for love. But when you think about it, we're all looking for love aren't we? In the end, it is what we truly want and live for, although we may not always admit it to ourselves. The point of being successful and having everything you want is to have someone to share it with. If not, what are you really working for? Money will not satisfy, love will. Money will create temporary feelings of satisfaction and self-fulfillment, but in the end if we have no one to share with we really have nothing at all. It's amazing isn't it? The way things in life are exactly the opposite of what they should be. We live to love to learn to conquer, and do it all over again. That's the truth.

It feels good

This is one of those moments where your heart literally drags you to the computer to write a blog so you can spill your guts to non-readers, readers, it's all the same. It's that feeling when your stomach is twisted into nots, you get sick to your stomach just thinking about hanging out with anyone or even picking up the phone. What is wrong with me? I'm trying to figure it out, i'm usually so happy and positive about things. I'm usually so concerned with surrounding myself with friendships and people who I love and people who love me. Relationships are what make a person keep going. Relationships with friends, lovers, family members, co-workers, the mailman, the cashier at walgreens, the person who handed me my diploma when I graduated. All of these relationships, whether they are important or not, are still what keeps the smile on your face at the end of the day even when everything is going wrong.
That's funny because i've always been told to tie my happiness to a goal, never to a person.


Right now I just want to write.
Honestly ive been chasing pavement, i've been dodging bullets, i've been running around doing everything for everyone and myself, keeping myself happy and others happy as well. One thing i've really learned is that you really can't please everyone. It's so sad to say it for real, it's so sad to really acknowledge it, but all people really care about is self interest. What they can get out of this friendship, relationship, exchange, conversation, whatever. It's all such a game, going back and forth with favors making people feel like they owe you something. No one owes anyone anything.

It's weird how our only true battles are the battles formed within ourselves. Nothing is negative unless we say it is, no one can hurt us unless we say they can. It's all psychological really. I'm here in my room extremely heated about the fact that nothing is working out, that i'm wasting all my time wallowing in my "sorrow" and not doing anything about it. But "wallowing" in my "sorrow" just feels too good right now. What am I even looking for? Sympathy? Help? No. I can do things on my own it's not like i've needed any one until this point. What I should look past is the words running through my mind and that stiffling heat radiating from my face and neck and shoulders. Right now I should acknowledge the fact that I am able to see that things aren't going right and embrace the fact that only I have the power to fix them.
So why is it that i'm still here? sitting in front of the computer wasting time?
because it feels damn good to wallow, that's our problem.

Expectations

I never understood how people can write better when they're so consumed with emotions. I find it hard to put everything down, as if my mind won't let me get out the words as fast as I can produce them in my head. We think a million thoughts in a minute. If I could even write 10% of what I think about on my blog, my computer would go into overload and i'd probably have to stick to my notebook. I've been thinking a lot about the way my life is going. The benefits and consequences of the choices I make are what is slowly shaping me as a person, as an individual in this world. I've been making alot of changes lately, and they aren't even small. I recently ended my relationship of 2 years, which were no doubt the best two years of my life so far, but I felt like it was really time to take a step forward in my life. And there are just some people you cannot take along the way unfortunately. As much as it hurts me to realize that I may miss the things I let go, or I might regret decisions I make, I keep in mind that everything really does happen for a reason. Some people don't believe in that, but honestly it's been proven right to me so many times that i'm so sure it's true. Sometimes bad things need to happen to lead you to much greater things. Sometimes one needs to experience tradegies and adversities to really get to where they want to be. Others dwell in the past, in their mistakes, and in that shadow they stay until they are forced to come out and face the world. I've chosen not to look back at my mistakes/adversities, if only in a positive light. To remind me that if I had not gone through that, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's hard for most people to say that because a lot of people don't even like where they are today. The fact is, without having a sense of sef- worth, self- confidence, and most of all self- awareness, what do we have? What can we even give to others if we have not been able to give ourselves a break for our imperfections? The more I learn about the world, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing at all. The more I get to know my friends, the more I realize thaty they don't really like themselves at all. Everythings a cover up, everythings a show. For who? For themselves, because they haven't been able to admit to themselves that they have not lived up to their "perfect" expectations. This is where my title comes in. I was talking to my mom today and I told her that i'm worried, because people expect a lot from me and sometimes I can't keep up. She asked me "And what do they expect from you?" I started naming things... Always looking put together, always keeping my cool in situations, keeping everyone happy, being trustworthy, having a lot of self- respect, getting good grades, looking beautiful, being intelligent. And then she asked me something that really made me think. She said: "Are you sure that these things are what your friends expect from you, or are these things what you expect from yourself?" And then I realized, shit, I've really put expectations on myself that are unrealistic. Everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone gets nervous, everyone has their "whatever" days, everyone looses their temper once in a while. These are the things we have to accept about the simple human being, that we are not meant to be the "perfect" person we set ourselves out to be. The truth is, I want to be myself. I don't want to set any expectations for myself anymore. I want to live day by day, keep my goals in check, do what makes me happy, love the people around me, and love myself no matter what imperfections or flaws I may have. No more expectations.

thoughts

I wish there was a way to explain the things we do, the way we think, the things we say, the things we wanna say, the things we wanna do. Where do all of these odd desires and thoughts come from? There are so many theories explaining how we think and why we think it, but there is no way to explain the rhythm in my head.
Isn't it weird how the way we think affects our emotions and therefore, our actions? One day we can think to ourselves, "Wow, why am I in this situation, I'm miserable." But when you think about how everything happens for a reason, how this feeling only comes along to make you stronger, and without those feelings you would not be where you are today.
I think about how if I change one tiny little detail of my life, how different things would be. That really is all it takes for everything to change. A word, a movement, a thought, anything.

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that is all for now

Give me change

Oh God, please give me a change. I've been waiting, in this non moving sea for a little current to push me on my way, but I am stuck. Although I see currents next to me, passing by me in the most nonchalant way possible... but what about me? I want to move on, I want to experience, to explore, to see things, hear things, BE things. I feel like i'm this glowing orb of potential that is just dormantly waiting for a freaking plate tectonic to shift in my mind and cause an earthquake and a tsunami in my brain and then maybe i'll be sane again.

What am I looking for?

I'm sitting here, trying to study and i'm as unsuccessful as ever. There are thoughts floating freely in my mind, waiting to be caught. By who? I'm not quite sure. There are so many things I feel and so many things i'd like to say, but who i'd say them to is a different story. It's hard when i'm sitting so silently but my thoughts are screaming out loud. To be heard, to be acknowledged. To be seen, to be loved, to be thought of, to be pondered. Isn't that what we all want?
It's as if we're all floating, waiting patiently, in a sea of beauty and intricacy. What do we really see though? Do we really see the beauty that lies just before us or do we keep looking for something more, missing the jewels and diamonds of our lives that lie right before our eyes. What is it that we really want.
To find meaning: is somewhat true. But I feel that finding meaning is the quest of life. We go through our days encountering challenges, solving problems, discovering ourselves in the midst of everyone's eyes except our own. Who are we if we don't have anything to solve, to work towards, to look forward to? If we really have it all, then havent we found our meaning? No. The answer is absolutely not. Finding meaning is actually coming to the realization that we know nothing at all. That we have nothing and everything, where time has no consequences. When we realize we are who we are and nothing will ever change that unless superficial aspects come into play with reality. But our true meaning of our lives comes from the pure unknown. Not knowing. That's the ultimate beauty of living.
To find love: is something indescribable. Indescribable because in all of my time here writing I really haven't been able to accurately describe the essence of what true love is. Is it because I haven't experienced it? Sometimes I question that. We all think we're in love when we're in a relationship of more than six months. But the way I see it is that love is something deeper than just infatuation. Deeper than just a longing to be with one another. It's being a part of each other. It's finding their soul right in the way they look at you, it's discovering all of their secrets by the way they kiss you. Discovering one another in different ways is the most beautiful thing one can experience. But yet, do I know it? I do love, and I am capable of loving, but I only question myself because I am young. But when someone says "you don't know what love is" I disagree. Everyone has their own perception of what love really is, but when you have it, you know it. You don't doubt it, you don't name it, you just embrace it. You absorb every scent around you, every taste everything so vividly, and you learn to see things more clearly.
To find inner peace: is what we are all truly looking for. But peace doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

missyou

Dear muffin,

You knew it. I knew it.

I question myself even thinking about you. Why can't you get out of my head?
I'm surrounded my all of these others and it just makes me realize how much they don't have. How much they lack in the sense that I can be truly happy with only one person and that was you. Such a beautiful person you are, it's an incomparable feeling thinking... believing that I really lost you. I've sat and i've laughed, i've wondered, i've enjoyed, i've cried, and i've thought some more. Sometimes my thoughts get me into trouble. You claim that I doubted you. that I never gave it a real chance. I gave you everything, all I had. You were my everything.
It's hard to take my heart and give it to someone else. I'll never do it. I just can't. You had a way of appreciating the smallest things in the world. Such simplcity could just brighten up your face when you noticed something new about me or something. I don't even know why i'm writing this i've just been thinking a whole lot about you. being with other guys... it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to hit something. I hear people talking about love... and I just think "they dont know a thing about love."
we had love. you're right. I freaked out.
But honestly, sometimes people need a break from everything. Sometimes it's okay to move on for a little while, do you for a little while. Sometimes its okay to break way and do your own thing. When you let something go and it comes back to you it was yours all along. You never understood that I meant well and the only way to do that was to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you for a second. You have to understand that I did what I had to do on a quest for something out of the ordinary. I'm happy now and I hope more than anything that you're happy too. What am I saying? I know you're happy. (:

You probably don't want to talk to me... I understand. But i'll be here whenever you decide that you do. Just remember that i'll always love you.



-caterpillar

I wanna be a flower in the ocean.

Goodbye to everything that I knew?

Sometimes it's hard for me to write down everything I have to say but today i'm just gonna write it with no regrets, no thought.

I think it's so special when I see a flower fall into moving water. You see such a beautiful thing that was created so naturally, floating gently up and down the waves of a moving current. The flower holds no tension, no stress, no nothing. It let's itself be taken away by the moving water.

Now one can percieve moving water as soothing, some as scary. Being taken into something with no protection, being swayed around and torn apart while your petals float away and come back to you again. Some people jump into love as if it's an open ocean to be discovered. Love is scary, love is beautiful, love is effortless. Sometimes I wish I could just be like a flower and let myself float away with no regrets and no self manipulation. What a world we would discover if we would just let ourselves.

What do you listen to first? Your heart or your brain? Which is better? Which is smarter?

With all of the pressures of the day and of the night and of the week and of the year, i'm letting go once and for all. I know who I am and I know what I want and i'm going to do anything to get there. I sometimes hear people saying "I can't wait to be that person." Who can't you wait to be?

Happiness is not a destination it's a state of mind. One can literally be happy in any situation at any time if one will just accept the situation for what it is. It's kind of like meditation. People think that to meditate, you need a clear mind. Well here's the truth: no one has a clear mind. Part of meditation, the most special part, is embracing your thoughts. Embracing that you can think and ponder, wonder and decide. Once you embrace your thoughts and accept that your mind will go wild sometimes will bring you to a whole new state of mind. That's when you truly have clarity. Once you embrace that nothing is perfect and will never be perfect, but the way you perceive certain situations can change your way of looking at things, that is when you will truly have clarity.

"I just want to be happy."

How many times have you heard that?

How many hours in the day are you up doing things, getting to where you wanna be?

I realized I have 24 hours in a day. How much time do I waste on the computer, sleeping, procrastinating?

I realize I always have to much on for me and never enough time to truly relax. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to who will truly listen to everything I have to say and give me their honest advice. I get so busy and I have this breakdown where i'm just like "alright, phone off, ghost mode."

mhm I said it.. i'm always ghosting.

I get these formsprings (who goes on formpsring anymore?) saying
"WHAT'S GHOSTING?"

it means dissapearing. it means dissconnecting from everything and everyone for a little bit so I can just think. You should try it sometime.

I look back at my life a year ago and I can't even believe the changes i've gone through. I can't believe I let you go. I can't believe I gave you everything and I let you go. It happens though, I hope you understand one day that all I really wanted was to find some clarity in life and now that I did, I realized I could be without you. I could be just mine and no one else's.

I think I care too much, that's what gives me problems.

Peacing out for now, Sweet dreams <3

Changes

Everythings changing and I don't really know what to think of it.
All those times you look back on things and say how much you miss them... would you go back to them? After everything that's already changed around you?
Sometimes I look back and think about how happy I was at one point, but how different I was as a person. As you grow, your perception on situations changes. Maybe you stressed over things that weren't really important then, but now you are focused on what's really significant and what will really be important in the long run. I kind of feel like i'm the only one really focused on the future sometimes. I feel different then other people,
I don't mind being alone. I don't mind relaxing in my own thoughts. Just because i'm quiet doesn't mean i'm upset.
I want so much. I want to be, I want to do, I want to see I want to freaking create stuff.
I feel so stuck in this same spot yet I know my actions are what is going to determine my future.
I really do have so much to say but no body to really listen. Well maybe a few people, but they don't really care all that much.
You see, everyones focused on their own lives too much to really be 100 percent involved in another's. But what people fail to understand is that it's OKAY. It's okay to not know every little detail about someone, about what they just did or who they spoke to. people who want to know everything just end up judging you. That's what I think.
There are some things that only you can understand. For example, you might have done something that everyone else would see as wrong, but it may have been so right to you.

Over the mountain I see the bright sunshine, and I want to live inside the globe.
I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything, I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences.

It's not that I don't care, but right now these walls are closing in on me. I need to find a place where I can breath.

where money means nothing, and love means everything.


Have you ever wanted to just have a conversation with a random person at starbucks? Just a complete stranger, and see what there lives are like, what their concerns are and how they live. It's so interesting to analyze the way people think and how different they are. We only know ourselves, we only know our minds. Imagine: you're driving and you see a bunch of cars passing you by. Who are they? Where are they going? Everybody has a story and I want to know it.

So when I look back on those things I miss I realize that a long with myself, aspects of those memories have changed as well. That person you were with has changed too. It would never be the same. The best way to look at it is to embrace it for what it was and to move on.
Sometimes I long for a moment to come back to me but then....why? I'm happy where I am. If I hadn't messed up a couple of times along the way, then I would never be where I am now.
Memories that are worth keeping will never fade.
People change, I am changing.

See the invisible

To live content with small means to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich. To listen to stars and birds, voices and sages with an open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never in a word. To let the spiritual unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common.

Somtimes there is nothing that can take the place of internal emptiness. You can try and find the reason why you just don't have enough enegy to argue, but all the time in the world to cry. Why candle light seems so much more soothing than the light of day. Why it feels so good to just bask in you own anger and sadness, why the sun doesn't feel right on the darkness of your thoughts. Sometimes there are things we can't explain, things we do that there are no reasons as to why we mindlessly do them. Those things feel so right at the moment but so wrong in another. Our minds work in a way that we can't comprehend, which is why I need to explain my self. Writing is my only outlet. Just a blank canvas on which no one can judge you for. Painting pictures with words is what my life is about. So let me paint this picture for you darling because you deserve every word.

I once stopped to think about the tingling in my stomach whenever I thought about you. The way my heart wants to burst every time we kiss. The way I think about the day that we'll only need each other, no one else. I rememeber someone one told me that lies will lock you up, the truth the only key. Well I was locked up, and I gave you the key. Transparency is the most beautiful thing about us now, and I want you to accept that things happen sometimes. I want you to know that no matter what happens you will always be, to me, a light that no one else can discover. A map to things I can't discover by myself. Words are just words but I have fallen in love with the art of literature. The way a group of words can make a world of difference in someones eyes, it can create emotion. But even more incredible is the art to express thoughts through these fine words and here it goes. I'm writing down everything I feel.

Look a little deeper so you can see the invisible. Take a little time to remember the moments that we could just cry because we were so happy yet so afraid that it would end to soon. Take a moment to remember all of the words that were said and the feelings that were stimulated. I've never felt that way before. I will not let you down again. I will never let you down. I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute. And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease, or something that could ease the pain. But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself. Even though it's hard to see that the glass is not half empty but half full, I want you to close your eyes and invision my presence.

Emptiness that we share is no longer absent, it is very present. I know what's wrong, and I know now why your pain hurts me so much. I know why this feeling is so dormant over me, and it's because i'm in love with you.

Truth.

There's a certain light that we look for when all else fails. A certain light that's there no matter what, whether we create it in our minds or not. Whether it's really there or just a false apparition of our fallen minds. Hope.

Hope triggers the souls deepest intentions.

We look to the ocean when a hurricane comes upon us, we look to the sky when lighting hits above us. The truth is that we want to know what's out there for what it really is.

But when it comes to emotions, we don't want to know anything. All we want to know is the words that will make us feel better. But that's not always the truth.

One who seeks the truth makes promises they can keep.

Truth: We all live in denial; admit it. Open your eyes, what do you see? Is it everything you really wanted? Is it more? Too much? Too little? Is everything perfect...but still doesn't seem right? Whatever we wanted initially is all an illusion; what's really there is what you make it.

One can try and defy love with all their efforts, one can defy hate with all their efforts, but in the end there is one truth and one truth only: true love will conquer.

If it doesn't seem right at the time than hey if you love them so damn much you can wait.

The truth is that every five minutes tears fill my eyes because I made a decision that will effect my life to a maximum and I can't really figure out if it was the right one. Reguardless, going back on things will not change anything, being that the damage is done and I must repress.

The truth is that I am constantly worried about my future that sometimes the present is taken forgrantted.

So stay afloat in that ocean, keep that glorious cloud of hope you have.

There was a reason that I met you.

There was a reason that we felt all that we felt for eachother.

not just to obtain a loss but to bring love, real love to our attention.

No one seemed to understand our relationship...that's what made it so special.

So now I sit here so silently yet my thoughts are screaming out loud.

Keep floating in your ocean, keep the hope in your cloud.

When goals take over

Sometimes I wonder if this is what I wanted.

Is this what comes with being goal oriented? Sleepless nights wondering if i'll ever get anywhere? Get to the place that I need to be?

I have so many places...so many ideas that I want to pursue. Who am I anyways?

What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to be succesful... but how do I get there?

I want to write forever, I want to love and live and smile and laugh

I know what I want, it just takes time.

I see people get discouraged over tiny failures...wait for what's to come.

One's true character is determined by what he or she does in those instances when everything seems to fail. Sometimes I just want to curl up in my bed and not wake up until everything is okay again. Sometimes I just want to fast forward in time to a place where I want to be.

But we have to know that not everything is going to be rainbows and sunshine all the time. We have to know that without the darkness we would never see light. Without the storm there is no calm.

So I guess i'm in the middle of the storm.

But no way am I giving up. I have everything I need to accomplish everything i've ever wanted.

It's just so tempting to give up everything and go party all night...but why?

Why do people waste their lives doing such unethical things when they know that in the long run nothing will be okay? It's okay to live in the moment sure... I know what that's like. But also one has to think about the future... the goals. Am I the only one who thinks about these things now?

Everyone tells me there is time.... but the truth is:

There is no time. There is time to see the light, the smiles, to laugh

but there is no time to sit back and do absolutely nothing because one day we are all going to have no reason to wake up in the morning.

How about that?

That's what i'm scared of. That one day i'll just give up.

But I know I won't. I'm going to keep on going. I'm going to be where I want to be very soon.

Love drops rain drops.

I fall slowly, waiting patiently

floating lightly, breathing softly

Whispers waiting to free themselves of silence

Your words are soft enough to calm the universe's violence.

Your eyes in time, can make our world's combine

can see our souls intertwine,

your hands in mine, your heart will shine.

droplets of water caressing our skin,

sending shivers up my spine, how can I begin?

We kiss and move as if we're telling a story

take me through the wind and don't make we worry

your love is mine, we are bound forever

as I fall very slowly we'll still be together.