It feels good

This is one of those moments where your heart literally drags you to the computer to write a blog so you can spill your guts to non-readers, readers, it's all the same. It's that feeling when your stomach is twisted into nots, you get sick to your stomach just thinking about hanging out with anyone or even picking up the phone. What is wrong with me? I'm trying to figure it out, i'm usually so happy and positive about things. I'm usually so concerned with surrounding myself with friendships and people who I love and people who love me. Relationships are what make a person keep going. Relationships with friends, lovers, family members, co-workers, the mailman, the cashier at walgreens, the person who handed me my diploma when I graduated. All of these relationships, whether they are important or not, are still what keeps the smile on your face at the end of the day even when everything is going wrong.
That's funny because i've always been told to tie my happiness to a goal, never to a person.


Right now I just want to write.
Honestly ive been chasing pavement, i've been dodging bullets, i've been running around doing everything for everyone and myself, keeping myself happy and others happy as well. One thing i've really learned is that you really can't please everyone. It's so sad to say it for real, it's so sad to really acknowledge it, but all people really care about is self interest. What they can get out of this friendship, relationship, exchange, conversation, whatever. It's all such a game, going back and forth with favors making people feel like they owe you something. No one owes anyone anything.

It's weird how our only true battles are the battles formed within ourselves. Nothing is negative unless we say it is, no one can hurt us unless we say they can. It's all psychological really. I'm here in my room extremely heated about the fact that nothing is working out, that i'm wasting all my time wallowing in my "sorrow" and not doing anything about it. But "wallowing" in my "sorrow" just feels too good right now. What am I even looking for? Sympathy? Help? No. I can do things on my own it's not like i've needed any one until this point. What I should look past is the words running through my mind and that stiffling heat radiating from my face and neck and shoulders. Right now I should acknowledge the fact that I am able to see that things aren't going right and embrace the fact that only I have the power to fix them.
So why is it that i'm still here? sitting in front of the computer wasting time?
because it feels damn good to wallow, that's our problem.

Expectations

I never understood how people can write better when they're so consumed with emotions. I find it hard to put everything down, as if my mind won't let me get out the words as fast as I can produce them in my head. We think a million thoughts in a minute. If I could even write 10% of what I think about on my blog, my computer would go into overload and i'd probably have to stick to my notebook. I've been thinking a lot about the way my life is going. The benefits and consequences of the choices I make are what is slowly shaping me as a person, as an individual in this world. I've been making alot of changes lately, and they aren't even small. I recently ended my relationship of 2 years, which were no doubt the best two years of my life so far, but I felt like it was really time to take a step forward in my life. And there are just some people you cannot take along the way unfortunately. As much as it hurts me to realize that I may miss the things I let go, or I might regret decisions I make, I keep in mind that everything really does happen for a reason. Some people don't believe in that, but honestly it's been proven right to me so many times that i'm so sure it's true. Sometimes bad things need to happen to lead you to much greater things. Sometimes one needs to experience tradegies and adversities to really get to where they want to be. Others dwell in the past, in their mistakes, and in that shadow they stay until they are forced to come out and face the world. I've chosen not to look back at my mistakes/adversities, if only in a positive light. To remind me that if I had not gone through that, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's hard for most people to say that because a lot of people don't even like where they are today. The fact is, without having a sense of sef- worth, self- confidence, and most of all self- awareness, what do we have? What can we even give to others if we have not been able to give ourselves a break for our imperfections? The more I learn about the world, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing at all. The more I get to know my friends, the more I realize thaty they don't really like themselves at all. Everythings a cover up, everythings a show. For who? For themselves, because they haven't been able to admit to themselves that they have not lived up to their "perfect" expectations. This is where my title comes in. I was talking to my mom today and I told her that i'm worried, because people expect a lot from me and sometimes I can't keep up. She asked me "And what do they expect from you?" I started naming things... Always looking put together, always keeping my cool in situations, keeping everyone happy, being trustworthy, having a lot of self- respect, getting good grades, looking beautiful, being intelligent. And then she asked me something that really made me think. She said: "Are you sure that these things are what your friends expect from you, or are these things what you expect from yourself?" And then I realized, shit, I've really put expectations on myself that are unrealistic. Everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone gets nervous, everyone has their "whatever" days, everyone looses their temper once in a while. These are the things we have to accept about the simple human being, that we are not meant to be the "perfect" person we set ourselves out to be. The truth is, I want to be myself. I don't want to set any expectations for myself anymore. I want to live day by day, keep my goals in check, do what makes me happy, love the people around me, and love myself no matter what imperfections or flaws I may have. No more expectations.

thoughts

I wish there was a way to explain the things we do, the way we think, the things we say, the things we wanna say, the things we wanna do. Where do all of these odd desires and thoughts come from? There are so many theories explaining how we think and why we think it, but there is no way to explain the rhythm in my head.
Isn't it weird how the way we think affects our emotions and therefore, our actions? One day we can think to ourselves, "Wow, why am I in this situation, I'm miserable." But when you think about how everything happens for a reason, how this feeling only comes along to make you stronger, and without those feelings you would not be where you are today.
I think about how if I change one tiny little detail of my life, how different things would be. That really is all it takes for everything to change. A word, a movement, a thought, anything.

nfjkngtjk3ntgjkwnfifiowngnw;gn;wngknwjgaa
gnkj ktg32t802ut0wjfknwkjkjg;wkg;wng[ogiwgnwk4g



that is all for now

Give me change

Oh God, please give me a change. I've been waiting, in this non moving sea for a little current to push me on my way, but I am stuck. Although I see currents next to me, passing by me in the most nonchalant way possible... but what about me? I want to move on, I want to experience, to explore, to see things, hear things, BE things. I feel like i'm this glowing orb of potential that is just dormantly waiting for a freaking plate tectonic to shift in my mind and cause an earthquake and a tsunami in my brain and then maybe i'll be sane again.

What am I looking for?

I'm sitting here, trying to study and i'm as unsuccessful as ever. There are thoughts floating freely in my mind, waiting to be caught. By who? I'm not quite sure. There are so many things I feel and so many things i'd like to say, but who i'd say them to is a different story. It's hard when i'm sitting so silently but my thoughts are screaming out loud. To be heard, to be acknowledged. To be seen, to be loved, to be thought of, to be pondered. Isn't that what we all want?
It's as if we're all floating, waiting patiently, in a sea of beauty and intricacy. What do we really see though? Do we really see the beauty that lies just before us or do we keep looking for something more, missing the jewels and diamonds of our lives that lie right before our eyes. What is it that we really want.
To find meaning: is somewhat true. But I feel that finding meaning is the quest of life. We go through our days encountering challenges, solving problems, discovering ourselves in the midst of everyone's eyes except our own. Who are we if we don't have anything to solve, to work towards, to look forward to? If we really have it all, then havent we found our meaning? No. The answer is absolutely not. Finding meaning is actually coming to the realization that we know nothing at all. That we have nothing and everything, where time has no consequences. When we realize we are who we are and nothing will ever change that unless superficial aspects come into play with reality. But our true meaning of our lives comes from the pure unknown. Not knowing. That's the ultimate beauty of living.
To find love: is something indescribable. Indescribable because in all of my time here writing I really haven't been able to accurately describe the essence of what true love is. Is it because I haven't experienced it? Sometimes I question that. We all think we're in love when we're in a relationship of more than six months. But the way I see it is that love is something deeper than just infatuation. Deeper than just a longing to be with one another. It's being a part of each other. It's finding their soul right in the way they look at you, it's discovering all of their secrets by the way they kiss you. Discovering one another in different ways is the most beautiful thing one can experience. But yet, do I know it? I do love, and I am capable of loving, but I only question myself because I am young. But when someone says "you don't know what love is" I disagree. Everyone has their own perception of what love really is, but when you have it, you know it. You don't doubt it, you don't name it, you just embrace it. You absorb every scent around you, every taste everything so vividly, and you learn to see things more clearly.
To find inner peace: is what we are all truly looking for. But peace doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

missyou

Dear muffin,

You knew it. I knew it.

I question myself even thinking about you. Why can't you get out of my head?
I'm surrounded my all of these others and it just makes me realize how much they don't have. How much they lack in the sense that I can be truly happy with only one person and that was you. Such a beautiful person you are, it's an incomparable feeling thinking... believing that I really lost you. I've sat and i've laughed, i've wondered, i've enjoyed, i've cried, and i've thought some more. Sometimes my thoughts get me into trouble. You claim that I doubted you. that I never gave it a real chance. I gave you everything, all I had. You were my everything.
It's hard to take my heart and give it to someone else. I'll never do it. I just can't. You had a way of appreciating the smallest things in the world. Such simplcity could just brighten up your face when you noticed something new about me or something. I don't even know why i'm writing this i've just been thinking a whole lot about you. being with other guys... it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to hit something. I hear people talking about love... and I just think "they dont know a thing about love."
we had love. you're right. I freaked out.
But honestly, sometimes people need a break from everything. Sometimes it's okay to move on for a little while, do you for a little while. Sometimes its okay to break way and do your own thing. When you let something go and it comes back to you it was yours all along. You never understood that I meant well and the only way to do that was to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you for a second. You have to understand that I did what I had to do on a quest for something out of the ordinary. I'm happy now and I hope more than anything that you're happy too. What am I saying? I know you're happy. (:

You probably don't want to talk to me... I understand. But i'll be here whenever you decide that you do. Just remember that i'll always love you.



-caterpillar

I wanna be a flower in the ocean.

Goodbye to everything that I knew?

Sometimes it's hard for me to write down everything I have to say but today i'm just gonna write it with no regrets, no thought.

I think it's so special when I see a flower fall into moving water. You see such a beautiful thing that was created so naturally, floating gently up and down the waves of a moving current. The flower holds no tension, no stress, no nothing. It let's itself be taken away by the moving water.

Now one can percieve moving water as soothing, some as scary. Being taken into something with no protection, being swayed around and torn apart while your petals float away and come back to you again. Some people jump into love as if it's an open ocean to be discovered. Love is scary, love is beautiful, love is effortless. Sometimes I wish I could just be like a flower and let myself float away with no regrets and no self manipulation. What a world we would discover if we would just let ourselves.

What do you listen to first? Your heart or your brain? Which is better? Which is smarter?

With all of the pressures of the day and of the night and of the week and of the year, i'm letting go once and for all. I know who I am and I know what I want and i'm going to do anything to get there. I sometimes hear people saying "I can't wait to be that person." Who can't you wait to be?

Happiness is not a destination it's a state of mind. One can literally be happy in any situation at any time if one will just accept the situation for what it is. It's kind of like meditation. People think that to meditate, you need a clear mind. Well here's the truth: no one has a clear mind. Part of meditation, the most special part, is embracing your thoughts. Embracing that you can think and ponder, wonder and decide. Once you embrace your thoughts and accept that your mind will go wild sometimes will bring you to a whole new state of mind. That's when you truly have clarity. Once you embrace that nothing is perfect and will never be perfect, but the way you perceive certain situations can change your way of looking at things, that is when you will truly have clarity.

"I just want to be happy."

How many times have you heard that?

How many hours in the day are you up doing things, getting to where you wanna be?

I realized I have 24 hours in a day. How much time do I waste on the computer, sleeping, procrastinating?

I realize I always have to much on for me and never enough time to truly relax. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to who will truly listen to everything I have to say and give me their honest advice. I get so busy and I have this breakdown where i'm just like "alright, phone off, ghost mode."

mhm I said it.. i'm always ghosting.

I get these formsprings (who goes on formpsring anymore?) saying
"WHAT'S GHOSTING?"

it means dissapearing. it means dissconnecting from everything and everyone for a little bit so I can just think. You should try it sometime.

I look back at my life a year ago and I can't even believe the changes i've gone through. I can't believe I let you go. I can't believe I gave you everything and I let you go. It happens though, I hope you understand one day that all I really wanted was to find some clarity in life and now that I did, I realized I could be without you. I could be just mine and no one else's.

I think I care too much, that's what gives me problems.

Peacing out for now, Sweet dreams <3