one and only

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You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face

God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive your past, and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be, your
Your one and only
Promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name

Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared
Cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word
I've imagined it all

You'll never know
If you never try
To forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Naked like truth

There's something beautiful about the truth, whether it is seen through expression or words or actions, it is an idea or a group of ideas that is completely and entirely uncovered. We have a hard time seeing things for what they are, because in reality our minds convert the truth into something unrealistic, something sugar coated. Looking at life from a rose colored glass allows us to see only the things that are not too painful to accept, those things that are easily resolved. So in the end, is the truth what we really want?
I just came back from Paris, the most beautiful city i've ever seen in my entire life. Not only did the beauty of the antique fragility all around me amaze me, but the aura of quiescence that was so effortlessly created made me really think about the concepts at hand here. These people, these artists displayed in these incredible museums had a totally different perception of beauty then what is accepted by society today. All of those women in the paintings that were idolized and really seen as beautiful and perfect creatures, were actually not perfect at all. The delicate purity that radiated from the pale skin tonees of the women, bare in flesh. The roundness of their curvature, the simple look they have in their eyes. These women were not extremely thin, nor tan, nor did they have perfect facial features. They were true, natural, naked and rosy, and yet as sure of themselves as anyone can be. I couldn't believe the sensuality captured in such an ephemeral moment, just a glipse of the artist's eye that inspired him to paint this very one single moment.
Right then, looking at Claude Monet's impressionist paining "Chloe", I realized that beauty, real beauty comes from truth. A bareness that should be so deeply appreciated whether it be physical or not.
Time's have changed, our perseption of what is beautiful is completely different. People feel the need to change everything about themselves to be beautiful. Who ever said that thin was pretty? Who ever said that perfection came from exactness? I find that the most beautiful things come from spontaneity from the things that are imprecise, and analysis kills spontaneity. The grain once ground into flour springs and germinates no more.
There are beautiful minds who overpower those who obtain physical beauty.

Another thing I loved about Paris was the feeling of actually being in the city of love. You really feel it all around you, whether you want to or not. You start thinking of that person that makes you smile when you're alone, that person that you don't want to think about but at the same time you could just sit there all day and daydream about them simply because the thoughts are deliciously inviting and so lovely to think about. They are captivating, they are dangerous. You look around and everyone is just in love, or looking for love. But when you think about it, we're all looking for love aren't we? In the end, it is what we truly want and live for, although we may not always admit it to ourselves. The point of being successful and having everything you want is to have someone to share it with. If not, what are you really working for? Money will not satisfy, love will. Money will create temporary feelings of satisfaction and self-fulfillment, but in the end if we have no one to share with we really have nothing at all. It's amazing isn't it? The way things in life are exactly the opposite of what they should be. We live to love to learn to conquer, and do it all over again. That's the truth.

It feels good

This is one of those moments where your heart literally drags you to the computer to write a blog so you can spill your guts to non-readers, readers, it's all the same. It's that feeling when your stomach is twisted into nots, you get sick to your stomach just thinking about hanging out with anyone or even picking up the phone. What is wrong with me? I'm trying to figure it out, i'm usually so happy and positive about things. I'm usually so concerned with surrounding myself with friendships and people who I love and people who love me. Relationships are what make a person keep going. Relationships with friends, lovers, family members, co-workers, the mailman, the cashier at walgreens, the person who handed me my diploma when I graduated. All of these relationships, whether they are important or not, are still what keeps the smile on your face at the end of the day even when everything is going wrong.
That's funny because i've always been told to tie my happiness to a goal, never to a person.


Right now I just want to write.
Honestly ive been chasing pavement, i've been dodging bullets, i've been running around doing everything for everyone and myself, keeping myself happy and others happy as well. One thing i've really learned is that you really can't please everyone. It's so sad to say it for real, it's so sad to really acknowledge it, but all people really care about is self interest. What they can get out of this friendship, relationship, exchange, conversation, whatever. It's all such a game, going back and forth with favors making people feel like they owe you something. No one owes anyone anything.

It's weird how our only true battles are the battles formed within ourselves. Nothing is negative unless we say it is, no one can hurt us unless we say they can. It's all psychological really. I'm here in my room extremely heated about the fact that nothing is working out, that i'm wasting all my time wallowing in my "sorrow" and not doing anything about it. But "wallowing" in my "sorrow" just feels too good right now. What am I even looking for? Sympathy? Help? No. I can do things on my own it's not like i've needed any one until this point. What I should look past is the words running through my mind and that stiffling heat radiating from my face and neck and shoulders. Right now I should acknowledge the fact that I am able to see that things aren't going right and embrace the fact that only I have the power to fix them.
So why is it that i'm still here? sitting in front of the computer wasting time?
because it feels damn good to wallow, that's our problem.

Expectations

I never understood how people can write better when they're so consumed with emotions. I find it hard to put everything down, as if my mind won't let me get out the words as fast as I can produce them in my head. We think a million thoughts in a minute. If I could even write 10% of what I think about on my blog, my computer would go into overload and i'd probably have to stick to my notebook. I've been thinking a lot about the way my life is going. The benefits and consequences of the choices I make are what is slowly shaping me as a person, as an individual in this world. I've been making alot of changes lately, and they aren't even small. I recently ended my relationship of 2 years, which were no doubt the best two years of my life so far, but I felt like it was really time to take a step forward in my life. And there are just some people you cannot take along the way unfortunately. As much as it hurts me to realize that I may miss the things I let go, or I might regret decisions I make, I keep in mind that everything really does happen for a reason. Some people don't believe in that, but honestly it's been proven right to me so many times that i'm so sure it's true. Sometimes bad things need to happen to lead you to much greater things. Sometimes one needs to experience tradegies and adversities to really get to where they want to be. Others dwell in the past, in their mistakes, and in that shadow they stay until they are forced to come out and face the world. I've chosen not to look back at my mistakes/adversities, if only in a positive light. To remind me that if I had not gone through that, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's hard for most people to say that because a lot of people don't even like where they are today. The fact is, without having a sense of sef- worth, self- confidence, and most of all self- awareness, what do we have? What can we even give to others if we have not been able to give ourselves a break for our imperfections? The more I learn about the world, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing at all. The more I get to know my friends, the more I realize thaty they don't really like themselves at all. Everythings a cover up, everythings a show. For who? For themselves, because they haven't been able to admit to themselves that they have not lived up to their "perfect" expectations. This is where my title comes in. I was talking to my mom today and I told her that i'm worried, because people expect a lot from me and sometimes I can't keep up. She asked me "And what do they expect from you?" I started naming things... Always looking put together, always keeping my cool in situations, keeping everyone happy, being trustworthy, having a lot of self- respect, getting good grades, looking beautiful, being intelligent. And then she asked me something that really made me think. She said: "Are you sure that these things are what your friends expect from you, or are these things what you expect from yourself?" And then I realized, shit, I've really put expectations on myself that are unrealistic. Everyone has flaws, everyone messes up, everyone gets nervous, everyone has their "whatever" days, everyone looses their temper once in a while. These are the things we have to accept about the simple human being, that we are not meant to be the "perfect" person we set ourselves out to be. The truth is, I want to be myself. I don't want to set any expectations for myself anymore. I want to live day by day, keep my goals in check, do what makes me happy, love the people around me, and love myself no matter what imperfections or flaws I may have. No more expectations.

thoughts

I wish there was a way to explain the things we do, the way we think, the things we say, the things we wanna say, the things we wanna do. Where do all of these odd desires and thoughts come from? There are so many theories explaining how we think and why we think it, but there is no way to explain the rhythm in my head.
Isn't it weird how the way we think affects our emotions and therefore, our actions? One day we can think to ourselves, "Wow, why am I in this situation, I'm miserable." But when you think about how everything happens for a reason, how this feeling only comes along to make you stronger, and without those feelings you would not be where you are today.
I think about how if I change one tiny little detail of my life, how different things would be. That really is all it takes for everything to change. A word, a movement, a thought, anything.

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that is all for now

Give me change

Oh God, please give me a change. I've been waiting, in this non moving sea for a little current to push me on my way, but I am stuck. Although I see currents next to me, passing by me in the most nonchalant way possible... but what about me? I want to move on, I want to experience, to explore, to see things, hear things, BE things. I feel like i'm this glowing orb of potential that is just dormantly waiting for a freaking plate tectonic to shift in my mind and cause an earthquake and a tsunami in my brain and then maybe i'll be sane again.

What am I looking for?

I'm sitting here, trying to study and i'm as unsuccessful as ever. There are thoughts floating freely in my mind, waiting to be caught. By who? I'm not quite sure. There are so many things I feel and so many things i'd like to say, but who i'd say them to is a different story. It's hard when i'm sitting so silently but my thoughts are screaming out loud. To be heard, to be acknowledged. To be seen, to be loved, to be thought of, to be pondered. Isn't that what we all want?
It's as if we're all floating, waiting patiently, in a sea of beauty and intricacy. What do we really see though? Do we really see the beauty that lies just before us or do we keep looking for something more, missing the jewels and diamonds of our lives that lie right before our eyes. What is it that we really want.
To find meaning: is somewhat true. But I feel that finding meaning is the quest of life. We go through our days encountering challenges, solving problems, discovering ourselves in the midst of everyone's eyes except our own. Who are we if we don't have anything to solve, to work towards, to look forward to? If we really have it all, then havent we found our meaning? No. The answer is absolutely not. Finding meaning is actually coming to the realization that we know nothing at all. That we have nothing and everything, where time has no consequences. When we realize we are who we are and nothing will ever change that unless superficial aspects come into play with reality. But our true meaning of our lives comes from the pure unknown. Not knowing. That's the ultimate beauty of living.
To find love: is something indescribable. Indescribable because in all of my time here writing I really haven't been able to accurately describe the essence of what true love is. Is it because I haven't experienced it? Sometimes I question that. We all think we're in love when we're in a relationship of more than six months. But the way I see it is that love is something deeper than just infatuation. Deeper than just a longing to be with one another. It's being a part of each other. It's finding their soul right in the way they look at you, it's discovering all of their secrets by the way they kiss you. Discovering one another in different ways is the most beautiful thing one can experience. But yet, do I know it? I do love, and I am capable of loving, but I only question myself because I am young. But when someone says "you don't know what love is" I disagree. Everyone has their own perception of what love really is, but when you have it, you know it. You don't doubt it, you don't name it, you just embrace it. You absorb every scent around you, every taste everything so vividly, and you learn to see things more clearly.
To find inner peace: is what we are all truly looking for. But peace doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.