I carry your heart

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~e. e. cummings

Blessings and Coffee

"I figured it's like in the Bible, the Adam and Eve deal?" the Captain said. "Adam's first night on earth? When he lays down to sleep? He thinks it's all over, right? He doesn't know what sleep is. His eyes are closing and he thinks he's leaving this world, right?"
"Only he isn't. He wakes up the next morning and he has a fresh new world to work with, but he has something else, too. He has his yesterday."

Everyday, we wake up to a whole new day with a whole new light, a new outlook, and a whole new purpose. Although this concept is probably one of the most incredible concepts we have yet to fathom, it continues to go un-cherished. Taken forgranted.
But what we don't realize is that everyday we are given the blessing of a new day, we are also given the blessing of so many other things. Opportunities, experiences, choices. Today I was sitting outside in my backyard having coffee with myself and my thoughts and I realized how lucky I am to have woken up on this beautiful day. Right then and there I thought, how can I show that i'm grateful for all of this? How can I show that I appreciate everything that's been put in front of me to work with? Then I got it. I realized that all of these things put in front of us like beautiful days and staggering sunsets are all for us to create more with. Beautiful things inspire ideas, and ideas inspire creation. The cycle begins with that small inspiration, that's why as time goes on we keep creating more and more technology.

As we learn to live with ourselves and technology we learn that the only real thing out there is interaction with other human beings. Finding love and giving it is the truest thing one can experience. Learning how to give is learning how to sacrifice things for the people we love.
Sacrifice is often misunderstood. It's a part of life, its supposed to be. It's not something to regret, it's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices, big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father.
"That's the thing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

There's something about miserable people that just gets to me. They don't see that things WILL get better. Although it's hard to see the reason for circumstances at that moment, with time the reason for things clears up and arises. If there was one thing I would ever have to reget, it would be regretting. It wastes time and energy. There's no point of stressing over something that you can't control. Just don't worry, be happy. Life is dark sometimes for a reason-reason being so that we can destinguish the light parts of life. So we can illuminate the brightest moments of life with contrast to the dark ones.
The most sacred place dwells within our heart, where dreams are born and secrets sleep, a mystical refuge of darkness and light, fear and conquest, adventure and discovery, challenge and transformation. Our heart speaks for our soul every moment while we are alive.

Welcome, 2012.

When that feeling you get after watching a love movie becomes very much like the normal feeling responsible for your every day smile you know you have a lovely situation on your hands. Vulnerability can be one of the scariest, darkest holes to fall into but can also be one of the brightest most incredibly uplifting feelings just to let yourself fall into the unknown. Just let yourself fall into something that you can't predict the outcome of, it's like looking into the ambiguous nothingness while someone calls your name. You don't know, you just don't know. Are you afraid of the dark?
Vulnerability scares us because through that deliciously enticing darkness, we may be hurt. Curiosity takes over the soul in a way that no one can really describe with words. Only emotions, only the feeling of a touch, through a sound of a voice or the passion of eye contact. These things can't possibly be described in words because (as I said in one of my earlier blogs) it completely diminishes the true moment. That feeling you get after watching one of those gushy romantic comedies leaves you burning with the feeling of making you want to laugh. You just want to smile at the whole world. Especially if you have someone to share it with.
Life is a happy song when there's someone there to sing along. I laugh to myself as I write these words, but hey, I think I found someone. I think he might be special. I have this stupid but completely undeniable gut feeling.

Sometimes I get scared. "what comes up must come down," they say. How is it that I can be this damn happy, this satisfied without being absolutely terrified that the come down will be twice as hard. I'm so happy it should be a crime. It scares me more everyday as I try to soak in the absolutely blessed life I live. Why me? What did I do to be so deserving of all of these magical things happening to me all the time? I'm so lucky to have the family I have, to experience the things that I do. Readers, bloggers, don't get me wrong. Shit happens all the time. But those things that have made me the person that I am today writing this blog about my stupid emotions and impossible-to-ignore thoughts about life and love and experiences and people and events. My life is about to change, I can feel it. I've never felt it stronger than now but I feel something coming that I just can't even explain.

I know you read my blogs. You know I read yours too, sometimes. You haven't posted in a while, maybe it's because you're happy. I hope you are, I really do. I hope you found someone who So you probably read that I found someone, you probably exited my blog right away. Maybe not, you've always been curious. It's amazing how I know you even when I don't want to. Even when I try not to think about you, you come up in the most random places of my mind. The reason why I am able to talk about you is because i've accepted that what we had was great, and that it was the right time to let go. I look at you as a good memory, not someone who I dislike. This has allowed me to open up my heart.

So now my heart is open and full of this mushy gushy delicious feeling. Ugh its so gooey like a mushy cookie right out of the oven. Again, I'm laughing to myself. Who would of thought.

It's been a while

since i've written. Could be because everything has been good, i've been happy and confident that everything is and will go right. Throughout the mess and unsettling disorganization, stress and what not, I am nevertheless calm in my heart and mind and therefore happy in my heart. I don't have to be sad or upset to write, but usually when I am, things come out alot more dramatic. Brilliant really, how emotions can stimulate the most incredible writing peices. Even though I've been happy, it's not to say that I haven't experienced wide fields of emotion and uncertainty. It's just that now, I know how to handle it much better. I guess I've kind of been a little more introspective than I was before. I've realized that not everyone needs to know exactly how your feeling at all times. They don't want to know, actually. Because most people who are around you will not care to find out why a smile isn't on your face or why you're deep in thought or why you haven't been there as much lately. The thing is, most of the time when people are listening to you they are waiting for their turn to speak. I've realized all of these things and people will ask me if that bothers me, but it really doesn't. I know how people are. It's no surprise to me that self-interest is the one thing on everyone's mind. It's that i've come to embrace these people for all of the wonderful qualities about them and try not to get close enough to experience the bad. I don't want to fight with my friends, so I just keep them at a certain level where they can never hurt me. At the end of the day it is me against the world. And to be lucky enough to have the family I have, shit, I don't even need stupid friends. I have my best friends in the whole wide world, but even they don't know everything about me simply because no one HAS to know every single little detail about me. Some things are better kept inside of your head for YOU to ponder on, for no one else to judge or give opinions or formulate assumptions. Some moments are just way to sacred to speak of, because by expressing them in words makes the moment lose its importance and it's value. The best moments are those which we cannot describe, those which are too great to even ruin with something other than pure emotion. Although I've experimented with the ways of words through writing by writing every day, I will tell you that it takes some serious skill to portray a moment the way it should be portrayed. That's why, let's say you have an incredible night with someone. Your friends want to hear ALL of the details but only 25% of them REALLY wants to hear exactly what went down and how you felt and what not. What they really want to hear is main points and on to the next subject. Which is normal and completely understandable but there's no way to really describe moments with main points.

I feel like i've learned a calm and independence that let's me be okay with being on my own. I've learned to be alone but never lonely, enjoy the quiet moments. The sunday mornings of life. Life is beautiful in every single way, even the hard moments. They are good becuase they will teach you what the good moments are supposed to feel like.
“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.” -C.S Lewis

Men are creatures of the amazon

It's funny how people work, as I've noticed in the past few weeks. You give them a little, they give you a little, you give them alot, they give you nothing. If only human's werent trained to want what they can't have. The world would be a boring place, I would like to say, but a much easier one at that. The thing about games is that you want to play, but only when you're winning. When you're losing it's just a dead end, forcing you to give up and move on. Quite honestly, I think men will never grow up, no matter the age. Sorry boys, but it's somewhat true. Find me a man that will take initiative and will honor my codes of infinite conduct and ethics, text me goodmorning and goodnight, so I know he's thinking about me even when we arent speaking. Find me a man who can make me think, but at the right times. Not at the wrong times. I'll take em'.
The problem is, when you really have so much to give and you think you've found the right person to give it to, and they end up being the wrong one. You end up looking like a damn fool thinking you were all happy and dandy, when really you were just blind.
There is also something beautiful about minor heartbreak, you're not broken but you're not whole. Meaning there is room to patch yourself up and keep learning, keep moving. Only the strong are capable of this. Only the mature are capable of embracing this. Moving on, changing, learning, are all beautiful things. Those people who are afraid of change are just afraid of growing up. Part of growing up is being able to deal with changes that arise and are presented to you in various situations through life. When I look back on all of the defining moments that have really pushed me to be who I am now, I think back to how I felt in the midst of those moments. I would have given anything to reverse, to go back and change what I did or how I acted. But if I had not experienced these types of things, where would I be? All of these things happen for a reason which is why I truly believe that things do happen for a reason. Things are meant to happen so that in the end everything is right. So that in the end everything is in your favor. And if it's not, well then hell, you're just being negative. Happiness is not a destination, as we all may think, but a state of mind. You can be happy anywhere, in any situation, no matter what. Just as long as you look at things in a positive light, and if there is truly nothing positive about it then embrace it as something that will define you in the future. Embrace it as something that will shape your maturity so that for next time you won't be as weak. I consider myself a rather strong person, but sometimes I look in the mirror and view myself as the weakest human being on the planet for feeling these feelings. Why though? Everyones allowed to feel. Everyone is allowed to go a little crazy (maybe more than a little...) over someone or something so temporary. It's called infatuation: a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration. Foolish it is, controllable it is not.

one and only

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face

God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive your past, and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be, your
Your one and only
Promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name

Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared
Cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word
I've imagined it all

You'll never know
If you never try
To forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart (nobody's perfect)
I know it ain't easy (trust me I've learned it)
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
I promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Naked like truth

There's something beautiful about the truth, whether it is seen through expression or words or actions, it is an idea or a group of ideas that is completely and entirely uncovered. We have a hard time seeing things for what they are, because in reality our minds convert the truth into something unrealistic, something sugar coated. Looking at life from a rose colored glass allows us to see only the things that are not too painful to accept, those things that are easily resolved. So in the end, is the truth what we really want?
I just came back from Paris, the most beautiful city i've ever seen in my entire life. Not only did the beauty of the antique fragility all around me amaze me, but the aura of quiescence that was so effortlessly created made me really think about the concepts at hand here. These people, these artists displayed in these incredible museums had a totally different perception of beauty then what is accepted by society today. All of those women in the paintings that were idolized and really seen as beautiful and perfect creatures, were actually not perfect at all. The delicate purity that radiated from the pale skin tonees of the women, bare in flesh. The roundness of their curvature, the simple look they have in their eyes. These women were not extremely thin, nor tan, nor did they have perfect facial features. They were true, natural, naked and rosy, and yet as sure of themselves as anyone can be. I couldn't believe the sensuality captured in such an ephemeral moment, just a glipse of the artist's eye that inspired him to paint this very one single moment.
Right then, looking at Claude Monet's impressionist paining "Chloe", I realized that beauty, real beauty comes from truth. A bareness that should be so deeply appreciated whether it be physical or not.
Time's have changed, our perseption of what is beautiful is completely different. People feel the need to change everything about themselves to be beautiful. Who ever said that thin was pretty? Who ever said that perfection came from exactness? I find that the most beautiful things come from spontaneity from the things that are imprecise, and analysis kills spontaneity. The grain once ground into flour springs and germinates no more.
There are beautiful minds who overpower those who obtain physical beauty.

Another thing I loved about Paris was the feeling of actually being in the city of love. You really feel it all around you, whether you want to or not. You start thinking of that person that makes you smile when you're alone, that person that you don't want to think about but at the same time you could just sit there all day and daydream about them simply because the thoughts are deliciously inviting and so lovely to think about. They are captivating, they are dangerous. You look around and everyone is just in love, or looking for love. But when you think about it, we're all looking for love aren't we? In the end, it is what we truly want and live for, although we may not always admit it to ourselves. The point of being successful and having everything you want is to have someone to share it with. If not, what are you really working for? Money will not satisfy, love will. Money will create temporary feelings of satisfaction and self-fulfillment, but in the end if we have no one to share with we really have nothing at all. It's amazing isn't it? The way things in life are exactly the opposite of what they should be. We live to love to learn to conquer, and do it all over again. That's the truth.